I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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