Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
