Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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