I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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