she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
