hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
