i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
