Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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