I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
