What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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