Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
