I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
