I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
