drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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