come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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