Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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