I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
