her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
