he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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