did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
