i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
