This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
