the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
