It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
