The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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