i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
