I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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