I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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