in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
