The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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