so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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