Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Sober January is a disaster.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
