How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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