i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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