Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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