i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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