Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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