He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
