you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
