her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
