Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dicks are not precious.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
