how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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