we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
organizing the empties. That sober.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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