Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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