then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
