Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
