We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
