i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
