You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
