god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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