im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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